There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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