My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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