I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
