he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
this will be a night to untag.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
