I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
