i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
