she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
