now i know why i became what i already was.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
