Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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