Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
