So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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