I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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