Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
