Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
