the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
