I think my fart just growled at me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
