I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
