Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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