It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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