just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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