Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
