Umm I'm too high to move.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
