By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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