CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
