i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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