Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
