i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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