Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My bed smells like the plague
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