I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
