Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
