You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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