Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
