I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
