I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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