guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
