So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
