I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
