and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I want her autograph on my taint
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
