Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
