Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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