david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
