I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
