I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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