one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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