im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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