that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
