I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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