i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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