I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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