Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
