I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
